Life can involve so many joyful, enriching, positive things, but often, it can feel like an act of merely existing or surviving - trying to spin many plates whilst simultaneously trying your best to ensure that as few as possible fall to the ground; and if they do, that the shattering doesn’t completely destroy your already fragile exterior. One of the worst feelings is going to bed at the end of the day, feeling like you’ve given chunks of your already fragmented self to everyone in the various spheres of your life around you, to the point of having nothing left of yourself. You’re left clutching your last broken shard in your bleeding hands wondering how on earth you got to this point, and that’s when you have to take decisive action.
Existing pressures can increase, causing you to question whether you actually possess the skills to cope, or new, traumatic events can come to light which shake the very ground upon which you’ve built your entire existence. But it’s absolutely fundamental that you establish clear and defined boundaries between your own mind/body/soul/spirit and the various intersections of your life - work, family, friends, and relationships. We are the people that we are close to, particularly family, but we are not them. It's so important that lines don’t blur and that we don't merge to the point of feeling overwhelmed. That said, engaging with your network of support, not pushing people away and willfully accepting the help of friends kind enough to reach out is also essential for maintaining good wellbeing, a fine and difficult balance to strike and something I am seriously guilty of. In order to try and resolve an issue, I feel like it’s helpful to have some kind of definition of each, so I’ve vaguely outlined the three which plague me (to varying degrees) the most, below, with the help of Mind for the latter two definitions and info:
Stress
I define stress as a psychosomatic experience, when the demands or responsibilities placed upon you (or those which you place upon yourself) far exceeds your capacity to adequately fulfill them to the best of your ability.
Symptoms:
- Feeling overwhelmed, as though you have too much to do and no idea where to begin, which leads to indecision and disorientation (potentially culminating in a feeling of hopelessness, which if left untreated, could lead to depression)
- Thoughts becoming tangled/chaotic
- Internal dialogue becoming negative, affecting behaviour and actions
- Chest tightening/feeling choked up (linked to anxiety)
- Feeling uninspired and unmotivated, like you’re just existing just to get a task done as opposed to working with interest, energy and enthusiasm (this is more a symptom of depression but I feel like one of the root causes of feeling this way is stress)
- Making more mistakes and feeling like you can’t cope with the demands placed upon you
Anxiety
Mind, the mental health charity, defines anxiety as ‘what we feel when we are worried, tense or afraid – particularly about things that are about to happen, or which we think could happen in the future.’
Symptoms:
Effects on your body
- a churning feeling in your stomach
- feeling light-headed or dizzy
- pins and needles
- feeling restless or unable to sit still
- headaches, backache or other aches and pains
- faster breathing
- a fast, thumping or irregular heartbeat
- sweating or hot flushes
- problems sleeping
- grinding your teeth, especially at night
- nausea (feeling sick)
- needing the toilet more or less often
- changes in your sex drive
- having panic attacks
Effects on your mind
- feeling tense, nervous or unable to relax
- having a sense of dread, or fearing the worst
- feeling like the world is speeding up or slowing down
- feeling like other people can see you're anxious and are looking at you
- feeling like you can't stop worrying, or that bad things will happen if you stop worrying
- worrying about anxiety itself, for example worrying about when panic attacks might happen
- wanting lots of reassurance from other people or worrying that people are angry or upset with you
- worrying that you're losing touch with reality
- rumination – thinking a lot about bad experiences, or thinking over a situation again and again
- depersonalisation – feeling disconnected from your mind or body, or like you're watching someone else (this is a type of dissociation)
- derealisation – feeling disconnected from the world around you, or like the world isn't real (this is a type of dissociation)
- worrying a lot about things that might happen in the future – you can read more about these sorts of worries Anxiety UK website.
Depression
Depression is such a broad and expansive subject that copying and pasting excerpts doesn't suffice, so for depth, here’s a link from Mind.
There are a range of treatments which can help anyone suffering from the above, from medication to talking therapies (and more), dependent on what your GP advises. But this is influenced by:
1) Actually recognising that you’re not functioning and not being in denial about things
2) Having a supportive GP who won’t dismiss your concerns, no matter how poorly articulated; and
3) potentially waiting a long time for treatment if you’re going down the talking therapy route…
…along with a whole host of other variables which could prevent you from receiving the treatment and recovery you deserve.
This is why it’s so important to have a set of tools to fall back on - a solidified, yet adaptable set of coping mechanisms uniquely tailored to who you are as a person, which should also include support from loved ones around you aswell. What works for one might not for another, because we’re obviously all different, and people suffer from the above in varying degrees - so naturally, methods of treatment need to match the intensity of the condition. However, I know for me personally, routine has been key. It regulates my mind and body, and the structure has provided me with something solid and concrete to anchor the chaos of my emotions to.
Routine is important because it makes you feel grounded. It is, however, enormously difficult, because it requires two things: firstly, prioritising and secondly, planning, which are quite probably the last things you feel like doing - but you have to. Structure and linearity, looking forward to whatever it may be, provides you with a sense of direction and most importantly, disrupts the vicious circular cycle of negativity which can leave you feeling caged in, contained and entrapped. These things require a lot of self-awareness and self-reflection in order to understand what’s important to you, as well as having the belief to follow through with action, but you have to be kind, and remember that this is a skill to be developed. It doesn’t come naturally, and it will take time, and that’s completely okay.
Routine to me feels very much rooted in CBT - changing your actions changes your behaviour, which influences your emotions, eventually shaping the beliefs you hold about yourself and the world around you. Our basic bodily functions need to be met first before we can actually feel whole and human, and too often when we’re feeling stressed/anxious/depressed, these are the first things to be neglected. Looking after yourself is about feeling connected and engaged with yourself on a basic, intrinsically human level. I’ve tried to organise my thoughts on this into some sort of structure below, outlining the main three ‘individualistic’ aspects of self-care below – sleep, food and exercise, along with work and the way it can negatively impact upon these fundamental parts of our existence …though of course, self-care and wellbeing is such a deep subject – and deeply subjective, too – that this seems quite superficial still, but it’s a start.
Sleep
I think in order to improve the quality of your sleep, you firstly need to be able to define what ‘good’ sleep means to you on a personal level. How many hours is it? Are you a morning person or an evening person? What is your sleep hygiene currently like? For me, I feel most refreshed when I’ve had a solid, uninterrupted 8-9 hours sleep (which is so rare these days, especially in this heat). I am most definitely a morning person and rarely wake after 8/9am on weekends, unless I’ve gone out the night before or stayed up late working on something. My sleep hygiene routine is pretty non-existent but I try my best to not go on my phone/laptop too late in the evening, which feels near impossible half the time, but I’m working on it.
This is one of the most difficult ones to control, as so much that is not in our power can affect a restorative night’s sleep – your genetics, living in shared housing, facing a noisy road. I guess you have to do whatever is within your power to minimise any risks preventing you from sleeping (eg getting earplugs and sucking it up… shared housing and noisy streets are part and parcel of living in this joyful city I call home).
When I find it completely impossible to settle down, there are a range of things I try (sometimes they work, sometimes they don’t, which is why sleep is so frustratingly difficult, but it’s better than lying there getting stressed out about not being able to fall asleep):
- Journal – has something happened to you on that day, or over the past week (or perhaps even your entire life... but it’s usually recent events that cloud my thoughts late at night ha) that is cluttering up your head to the point of restlessness? Stream of consciousness writing is helpful in these instances – picking up your favourite pen, opening up to a fresh page, and allowing your hand to freely glide over the page as all the indecipherable words in your head spill out onto the page into something (hopefully) a bit more coherent... this is my favourite and most effective means of pacifying myself. Even if you don’t have a journal, a loose sheet of lined paper where you can splurge and crumple it up and throw it away... it’s just the act of releasing which is so cathartic and necessary.
- Making something with my hands – if I’ve had a fairly ‘automatic’ day where I’ve just been going through the motions (or if my acts of creativity have been of the regular, recurrent kind eg hair/make up), my restlessness can stem from a lack of creative stimulation (eg Saturday night when I was cutting fabric patch pieces until 1am which eventually tired me out...). Even doodling until your eyes begin to droop could help.
- A boring podcast/the radio – Leave your bed and go and listen to something inane to bore you to sleep
- Valerian root tea – Apparently this promotes good sleep and is helpful for anxiety/insomnia (on recommendation from friends)
- Sleeping tablets – If all else fails, Nytol is your friend (but I only like using this as a last resort)
Food
This is also incredibly tricky and we all generally know what's good for us and what isn't. I try to ask myself questions, to engage with my internal dialogue, as opposed to being demanding and forcing myself to eat well, so it feels like an act of nurturance as opposed to militarian discipline.
- Have I eaten something green today?
- Have I had garlic and turmeric today? (Strengthening your immune system and reducing the impact of adrenaline/cortisol and other stress hormones on the body)
- Have I drank enough water today, or compensated for any dehydrating drinks (coffee, Coke, alcohol)?
- How much of what I’ve eaten today has been packaged/processed?
- If it’s PMS week - eat more of the spinach, kidney beans and other iron-rich foods, but also allow yourself the salty, fatty, sugary rubbish your body is craving. Part of being kind to yourself when you’re due on is balance - nourishing it with the vitamins but working with it too
Exercise
Running has saved my mental health over the past 12 months and is too dense a topic to be covered here, so I’ll save my words for another post. Whether running is your thing or not (and it’s more than okay if it’s not, as for many people it’s the most tedious, painful, joyless bore of an activity to ever exist) - the question to ask yourself is this: how much have I moved my body today? This is especially important if your job is sedentary and your weekends are filled with non-exercise related activities. . The key thing is being able to incorporate it into your lifestyle, whether it’s getting off the bus a few stops early, taking the stairs instead of the lift, trying out a new exercise class with people you like... it can be anything, but the act of simply moving your body just that little bit more than you usually would has an enormous impact on your mental health. Even with me now, it’s still often a case of ‘action first, change your thoughts/beliefs later’.
Work
Work is undeniably one of the main causes of stress, irrespective of where you work (and also anxiety in my case). For those working in highly-pressured offices, it’s all too easy to feel as though you’re an extension of the PC, relentlessly dealing with whatever comes your way in a trickling, drip-drip, desensitised manner. It’s here in particular that checking in with myself regularly throughout the day becomes crucially important to how I feel at the end of the day, and also at the end of the week as a whole. We spend the majority of our waking hours each week at work, and it’s all too easy to completely give yourself to the job and neglect your own basic needs. Here’s a list of things I try to do during the working week to maintain good wellbeing (which feels especially relevant writing this on a Monday... this will be a good week. It will!):
- Water - I always keep a massive 1.5 ltr bottle of water on my desk, and sip it throughout the day. Staring at your PC all day can cause headaches, and I always drink more if I’ve had anything caffeinated
- Snacks - I bought a crate from one of the lovely Asian shops on Walworth Rd that sells *everything* bar the kitchen sink. I try and ensure it’s stocked up well enough so I have healthy snacks to hand (which also works out cheaper than buying food at work/shops nearby, but this can be a logistical nightmare sometimes remembering to bring stuff in).
- Lunchtime - I try and have my lunch away from my desk, and actually away from the entire building if the weather’s decent. It’s so important to have a change of scenery and let your brain recharge from the morning’s stresses. Sometimes it’s nice to have lunch with colleagues and to catch up, but I always listen to my mind/body if I need a break from people and just want to be with myself for the whole hour. The best lunch breaks involve being prepared enough to bring something tactile and creative to work - a nice book, some embroidery, or my journal to write in. I also try to stay off social media for at least part of it - it’s unhealthy to be connected to technology continuously for the whole day.
- Sleep – The main dilemma about sleep during the working week is being able to do things after work which make you feel alive and human, without eating in to the precious hours of rest you need to function properly the next day. This is hard and I haven’t mastered it yet, if I’m honest - I know when I’m tired, yet I don’t listen to my body and force it to do more than it should. The only thing that seems to force me to rest is if I know I have a run scheduled early the next morning, but this isn’t really how things should be – rather than incentivising an early night, I should be listening to my internal cues and allowing myself the time to rest. But again, it’s a skill, and takes time to be developed.
If you’ve got this far... thank you and I hope that was useful in some way. Posts from here onwards will be a lot more cheerful and informative on anything and everything, I don’t really have a plan to this, but I wanted the first post after a long hiatus to be on something important, so there it is.
